October 7, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 2 Comments
I’m really fussed off right now. That’s right, I said fussed off. Why is that? Because I just found out that one of my favorite authors- a New York Times Bestselling Author, no less- is a plagiarizer (plagiarizist? plagiaree? plagiarian? You be the judge). Yes, that’s right- the one, the only, Jodi Picoult.
Well, she’s no stranger to plagiarism… I mean, everyone knows that “Change of Heart” is basically Stephen King’s “Green Mile”, just recycled (and hey, let’s admit it… she made it *so* much better). But you know what? There was a copying of ideas there, but no copying of *direct quotations*, which is what really makes me lose my marbles.
But now- yes, now! Me!- I’ve found that very thing. If you know me (I’m guessing most of you don’t) then you know I’m addicted to books of all kinds. Like, I should join Bookaholic’s Anonymous. So I’ve read all Jodi Picoult’s books (but Jesus pizza, don’t ask me how to pronounce her name). I also recently picked up a new author, David Ebershoff. He’s basically an unknown, with only three or so books out, but he’s pretty rocking in my opinion. He’s gotten a bit more publicity than usual lately, due to the movie version of his book, the 19th wife (on Lifetime). So, the movie was good, even though I’m not usually a Lifetime Loafer, so I picked up the book. Quickly got engrossed- it’s great. Read it. Right now. I’m watching you. Get off that chair and shut off your computer and go to the library and get it (after you read my blog, of course). Go on, I’m waiting.
Okay. So. There’s a quote in “The 19th Wife”, which was published in 2008. A six-year-old is describing his definition of love: “I know someone loves me from how they say my name. Like with my mom and dad, when they say ‘Benjamin’, it’s like my name is safe in their mouth.” Okay, cute. Nice quote. Unusual phrasing, too, wouldn’t you say?
Now, in Jodi Picoult’s book, published in 2009, *her* little kid (who is five years old, not six) has the following conversation with her mom: “Can’t you hear it? When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it’s safe inside your mouth.”
Uh-huh, sound familiar? Yeah, me too. I’m sure Jodi never expected anyone to notice such a small thing, but let’s face it, most people don’t read books like Picoult’s and also read books like Ebershoff’s, which are very different. Most people can barely be forced to read ONE book, much less two. Most people don’t remember direct quotations from books they read months ago. But I, Anne yours truly, am very, very irritated by this.
Jodi, you used to inspire me. Now, I’m cheesed off. And I will be sending you a very strongly worded email! Stay tuned.
September 22, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 0 Comments
What’s with the survival shows nowadays?
There are some good ones, yes. But for every adequate one, there are 6 gazillion ones that make me dry-heave.
I have an issue with the show “Man, Woman, Wild” which airs on Discovery Channel. Why? Um, it’s useless (and because the title makes it sound like a pornography show). They make it sound so dramatic… when these people *voluntarily* jump into deadly situations. Now, I’m all for that- what’s life without walking on the edge?- but seriously, their wallets are getting fatter with every moment they “survive”. And speaking of which… there’s a cameraman there. With, like, a helicopter. If they get a hankering for a cheeseburger instead of roasted lizard or whatever, they can just call “CUT!” and send the pilot on a snack run. 
But my biggest bone to pick with Man, Woman, Wild is the obvious sexism. Mykel Hawke, the main character, and his wife, Ruth England, are featured together in many of the episodes. Mykel Hawke is G.I. Joe- or at least, that’s his fantasy- and Ruth England is Barbie Doll Gone Wild. Erm… literally wild.
Ruth’s purpose is basically to make Mykel’s job harder by endless whining and her inept attempts at survival, to have the female watchers sympathize (Not me! I say let her die!), and to have men drool at her large chest and general hotness. 90% of the show is dedicated to Mykel wrapping his arms around Ruth and apologizing for their sucky situation (which really isn’t so sucky) and talks about how helpless he feels because he can’t protect his wife. He shouldn’t have to! Seriously, Ruth is such a waste of time. She can’t run very fast. She can’t catch fish. She can’t recognize edible foods. She can’t go for more than ½ an hour without saying she’s “faint”. She can’t survive for longer than five minutes without complaining about something. She can’t even freaking walk for longer than a few seconds!!! People call Ruth a “trooper”. I say she’s a gold-digger with less “troop” than my little finger. Poor Macho Mykel- it’s like carting around a bratty toddler through the woods. Worse, actually, as she cries more and is morally opposed to dirt. Please. She’s such a stereotypical woman, it drives me insane!
The things she says are hilarious. They include such gems as, “Let me puke, I have to puke, let me puke!” and (in a serious, contemplative voice): “I don’t think it’s wade-able” when looking at a 50-foot deep river. *Clap clap clap* Thank you, O Wise One of the Busty Persuasion.
There’s this one episode when Mykel says something along the lines of, “I’m so hungry! Let’s eat this turtle!” and she starts crying and carrying on about how it’s too cute to eat. So she builds this tiny turtle corral for it out of sticks, so instead they’ve got to eat a snake with parasites. Yeahhh… much better option, Sherlock Ruth.
The show toots Mykel as being a “survival expert”… well, he must be one hell of an expert, because in one episode, they manage to construct a two-floor “shelter” (that’s larger than my neighbor’s house, FYI) with a ladder and some mattresses… all created with just an axe and some string. Survival expert? He’s a freaking magician. Or, you know, he’s got some “help”.
I want to petition to have the show’s name be changed from “Man, Woman, Wild” to “Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest”.
Then there’s the “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” series. Now, honestly? I love the show. It’s addictive. I feel bad because I know a few people in these situations actually died, such as the Boy Scout, David Phillips, who died in the deserts of Utah, featured in the episode “A Walk Into Hell”… that was really depressing, especially because David was the only scout who actually knew what he was doing, and gave up his extra food/water for the less experienced. The other Boy Scouts were stupid, though… they left their elderly scout leader behind (that’s real nice, boys!) and didn’t bring any emergency materials (isn’t the scout motto “Be Prepared”?). Anyway, aside from those genuinely sad episodes, the majority are *hilarious*. I think the show should be renamed from “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” to “I’m So Stupid Should Be Dead”. Really, they’re all clueless suburbanites who get themselves into moronic situations due to their nonexistent common sense. It’s Darwinism at work… but, in these situations, usually a stroke of luck saves these bottom-of-the-food-chain losers from certain death.
If yet another “Lunatic vs. Wild” show appears on my television, I’m going to chuck my television straight into the Amazon River. Maybe I’ll get lost while I’m there, and they’ll pay me a bajillion dollars to dramatize my “quest for survival”. Even if I do something as stupid as trying to pet a lion because it looks cute, or attempting to ask directions from an alligator.
September 10, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 2 Comments
Time to investigate the state stereotypes. Some are my own, some are collected from around the web.
Alabama: African Americans? Who’s that? Ooh, you mean the slaves!
Alaska: Igloos warm the heart.
Arizona: Cacti poke us in strange places.
Arkansas: Ya darn tootin’, we got electricity!
California: My wife is more silicone than flesh.
Colorado: Potheads on snowboards.
Connecticut: Stepford wives, obey us!
Delaware: chemicals make your water taste better.
Florida: Let me show you a picture of my grandkids!
Georgia: Wanna peach? (And we don’t mean the fruit)
Hawaii: Honi nene lapule e hele mai ana au (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money. Now let’s surf.)
Idaho: More than just potatoes. Okay, so we’re not, but the potatoes sure are real good.
Illinois: we have good pizza, killer wind, and little else.
Indiana: That’s what Prince Charles said! (In Diana… ha. Haha…)
Iowa: We can perform miracles with corn.
Kansas: We’re square. Figuratively, sexually, literally.
Kentucky: enjoy our fried chicken and mint juleps.
Louisiana: Drunk Cajun wackos, now homeless.
Maine: Hippies with weird accents (who needs Rs, anyway?)
Maryland: we’re just… there.
Massachusetts: We got clam chowda. And wicked accents.
Michigan: First line of defense from Canada
Minnesota: 10,000 lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes
Mississippi: Huck Finn didn’t know how good he had it.
Missouri: “Miz-zur-ee” or “Miz-zur-uh”… a state divided.
Montana: Home of the unabomber. And avalanches.
Nebraska: Giant cornfield full of hillbillies in sweaty overalls.
Nevada: Whoo-ee! Strippers, poker, and strip poker!
New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone.
New Jersey: You wanna *%*#$#% stereotype? *#@^* You!
New Mexico: Viva la Mexico!
New York: Tha’s New Yahk to you. *honks*
North Carolina: Eat your veggies! (this includes tobacco)
North Dakota: Hello, my name is Chief Medicine Crow
Ohio: Lyterucy is ovurrayted
Oklahoma: OOOOOOklamhoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain!
Oregon: I hope you like rain and, er, rainbows.
Pennsylvania: Quakers ‘R Us
Rhode Island: We will happily run you over.
South Carolina: Lying in wait for the second Civil War
South Dakota: Rock Presidents
Tennessee: Miley Cyrus is our homegirl
Texas: Stetson? Check. Taco? Check. Spanish-speaking translator? Si.
Utah: My Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: We Drown in Maple Syrup So That You Can Eat Pancakes
Virginia: You Never Know Who’s CIA
Washington: Starbucks Fuels Our Lives.
West Virginia: One Great Big Happy Family- Literally.
Wisconsin: Strong Belief in the 3 Cs: Cows, Cheese, and Crack. I mean, Corn.
Wyoming: *laughs* What are you ON? People don’t live in Wyoming!
September 10, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 8 Comments
Anyone heard of the new Pretzel M&Ms? They sound pretty good, right?
Except for the fact that the commercial, like, makes me blush.
If you haven’t seen the commercial, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMrLz9tUrew. If you’re too lazy to click on that link, here’s the script (courtesy of yours truly):
***
Orange M&M: (being measured by doctors): “Yeah, I know people love pretzels and chocolate put together, but now you have gone too far! I don’t care if I’m the official spokescandy for the new Pretzel M&Ms. There is no way that you’re putting a giant pretzel inside me!”
Pretzel: “Listen, buddy, I’m not too thrilled about this, either.”
(Shows X-ray with a pretzel inside the M&M’s body)
Orange M&M: “Oh, boy.”
(M&M and Pretzel stare at a poster on the wall, scratching their heads: it’s a diagram of a pretzel being inserted into the M&M)
Pretzel (cracks knuckles ominously): “All right. Let’s get this over with.”
***
Yeah. Are you getting the same message I am? Gay rape, much? Now, at first I thought I was just being paranoid and having a twisted mind, but I talked to a few friends and they agreed with me. I mean, seriously!!! What do you think a “giant pretzel” being inserted into someone is supposed to be??? And that cracking knuckles? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wayyy more information than I wanted to see! Who would *buy* these candies after having seen this commercial? I think I’d throw up! What freak came up with this commercial? Did he think this was a good marketing techinique? In any way? Well, Mr. Bat-Turd-for-Brains, tough crap for you, because this is possibly the sickest food sales pitch I’ve ever seen.
Now, I’ve heard the Mars family (owners of the M&M candy brand, along with essentially every other candy in the world where every piece has the potential to put anyone into a diabetic coma- the Mars family is essentially single-handedly responsible for the rise in heart attacks in America) is very reclusive (gotta wonder what they’re doing). So maybe they’re such shut-ins that they’ve never heard of rape and failed to catch the innuendos here, but what’s the excuse for every other member of the candy committees?
Gotta love America. We are the *only* country in the world who could turn pretzel-chocolate candies into gay rape.
August 30, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 1 Comment
Yes, most of us have seen Avatar already- we were either the people back in December ready to hatchet other people to death in order to get in the theater (*screams* DUCK!), or we were the reluctant holdouts in March who, after much pressure from family and friends, gave in to see Avatar before it left theaters. (I happened to be an in-betweeny, who witnessed the “magic” in January).
Now lovingly dubbed “Dances with Smurfs” or “I See Blue People”, it revolves around a cripple named Jake who falls in love with this native blue creature named Pocahontas- I mean, Neytiri- and they go around riding dragons in the sky. I know- it sounds like an LSD trip, right? ‘Fraid not. I’m pretty sure the blue people just drank too much anti-freeze, but James Cameron has not commented on this.
Yes, it seems like Avatar is plagiarizing the Smurfs, but now James Cameron has de-Smurf-ified blue people by making them cat-like. And allegedly attractive, though I’m still waiting to see their appeal. So yes, they are, essentially, sexually active Smurfs.
Odd fetishes/habits: they have hair sex. With dragons. With each other. With humans. With shiny trees. Lots of hair sex. Lots, lots of hair sex.
Just as the endless flock of preteen Twihards all said, “omg im like never satisfied banging normal guys anymore cause like u kno they don’t have fangs and sparkly skin like Edward Condom- I mean Cullen”, now Avatards are desperately clutching at the last strings of their sanity. They are in love with fictional 9-foot-tall stretched-out Smurfs who have sex with their hair. Yeah, I can see the irresistible attraction.
These blue people are called the Na’vi people (a variation of Nazi- it stands for “Naturally Angry ’ and Violent Indigenous people)
Now don’t get me wrong- I saw the movie, and I’m very glad I did. The visuals were frigging amazing, let me tell you. Out of this world- uh, literally. But the plot could be a bit more complex (Guy goes to new place. Guy falls in love with girl there. Guy’s friends aren’t very happy. Guy helps girl, screwing his friends over. Girl and guy end up together. Happily ever after). That’s all right, though, I’ve seen plenty worse. All in all, a good movie. Another Titanic? No, James Cameron doesn’t succeed quite as well in my book. But still. A good movie.
What really gets me is the second release, this past Friday, August 27th. Because, like, having it in almost 5,000 theaters for 4 months just isn’t enough? No, now we’re releasing it *again*. For, um, what? Eight minutes of new footage. Does it change the story? No. Not at all. According to reviews, it just shows some pretty little images of Jake and Neytiri jumping around in the glowing forest. Awesome. Worth another forkful of money? ….No. Yet you know that all the Avatards are going to watch it anyway. Sure, Cameron could have just said, “I’ll release these 8 minutes for free! After all, I’ve got more money than an offspring of Donald Trump and Paris Hilton. I don’t *really* need more, do I?” Ha. Haha. What a joke. That might happen on Pandora, but not here on earth, no sir.
I salute you, Avatards. And yes- by salute, I do mean “mock”.
August 30, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 4 Comments
Suze Orman. Wow.
And that was *not* a complimentary ‘wow’.
In case you haven’t had the delight of encountering this deranged lady, here’s the laydown: she’s an “internationally acclaimed finance expert”- of course, that’s coming from her personal website, so obviously it’s a bit over the top. I mean, you wouldn’t expect them to say, “loser who wants to be cool and calls herself an expert to boost her personal self-esteem, achieving this status through useless advice and by insulting people all over the world- with a perky smile.”
Keep in mind, this woman has already been dead-down, bankrupt broke twice in her life. Maybe it’s just me, but she’s not exactly the first person I’d go to for financial advice.
Now, if the fact that she uses the misfortunes the Great Recession has brought by capitalizing on people’s sad financial states wasn’t enough to make me dislike her, I absolutely cannot *stand* the way she calls EVERY SINGLE FREAKING CALLER either ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. And not in a normal voice, either- in that obnoxious, valley-girl, “girl-FREYND” and “boy-FREYND” sort of voice.
Last Saturday (August 21, 2010), she starts off her show as usual- and then veers off track into the realm of “WTF DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, SUZE?” When a woman named Becky in Iowa calls onto the show, she tells Suze that she’s got some credit card debt that she’s hiding from her husband. At that point, dear old Suzie basically says (to paraphrase, though accurately), “Lose weight, exercise, the guilt is causing you to overeat. You have to fill the hole that guilt has eaten inside you with food.” Really, “Dr.” Suze? Really? Since when are you a nutritionist, exercise therapist, and psychoanalyst? Here I was thinking you were just a self-taught and self-declared financial guru.
Thumbs down, Ms. Orman. In fact, thumbs so far down that you’d need a telescope to see them. Or, er, some other long, tube-like object…
August 28, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 0 Comments
We’ve all heard about the USA’s new infestation of bedbugs *shudders*. Terminix made a list of the fifteen most infested cities:
1. New York, NY
2. Philadelphia, PA
3. Detroit, MI
4. Cincinnati, OH
5. Chicago, IL
6. Denver, CO
7. Columbus, OH
8. Dayton, OH
9. Washington, D.C.
10. Los Angeles, CA
11. Boston, MA
12. Indianapolis, IN
13. Louisville, KY
14. Cleveland, OH
15. Minneapolis, MN
Hmm…. has anyone else noticed that the *only* state with more than one city on this list is Ohio? And that there are actually FOUR out of the fifteen slots filled by darling Ohio cities? Including our beloved Cleveland, of course. Apparently we’re now shopping at Bed Bug & Beyond.
So now when the doting Cleveland leans over her baby’s cradle and goes, “Night, night! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” the kid will now be thinking, “Pssh, yeah. F you, Mommy!”
I can tell you one thing- if I EVER see a bedbug- in my house, in my city, in my county, in my freaking STATE, I will be MOVING. Cleveland is now not only the host of figurative bloodsuckers, but literal ones, too, and this rests my case. Ohio sucks. We should just move out, and make it the national landfill and keep everywhere else clean. Give it some practical use.
So, anyway, sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite!
August 23, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 1 Comment
What’s with this controversy over the Muslim mosque being built near Ground Zero? Why is there even a controversy? If they buy the land, they’ve got a right to put whatever the hell they want on it- a mosque, a Snuggie factory, a strip club, whatever.
Look- a member of the congregation said, “Of course I don’t agree with Sept. 11. It’s wrong. Anyone who has done that is wrong, and we don’t count them as a Muslim. A Muslim would never do that.I’m sorry this happened, and it is not really part of the Muslim people.” Yeah, he’s a real terrorist. And the leader of the soon-to-be mosque said, “This country is for everybody and this is the great advantage for Americans, that everybody respects the other and everybody must understand the other. This is what allows us to love this country. We have freedom. We must respect the Constitution. Every American must be proud of the Constitution.” Oooh, we better watch out for him – sounds like a real threat to us. Hello! He’s a better American than most Christians are! Let’s get a handle on our logic, shall we? America’s sense of reason seems to have less control than a teenage boy’s hormones.
How far is everyone going to take this? Really? Is sushi and Japanese maples banned from Pearl Harbor? No burritos within 3 miles of the Alamo?
And the best part was when I read a few quotes dear Newt Gingrich (former Speaker of the House and neo Nazi- I mean, Republican) had to say. I happened to be drinking the Heavenly Ambrosia (that’s sweet tea to the unenlightened) and not only did I choke on the tea itself, but I nearly swallowed the aluminum can it came in (come to think of it, the aluminum’s probably better for you than all the chemistry-textbook-ingredients in that tea). For one strangling, esophagus-crushing, uvula-flying second, I thought, “Finally! They can finally charge Gingrich with something- my murder! At least I’m good for something!” but alas, no such luck. Anyway, Gingrich really has the best commentary on this- including but not limited to calling those aforementioned patriotic Americans who are simply trying to practice their religion “radical Islamists”… yep, that’s about right.
Let’s not forget, though, that this Newt Gingrich is the same dude who has suddenly become as fanatically Catholic as Mother Theresa- not because he’s seen God but because he’s seen some good ol’ American greenbacks and rich glory by attempting praying his way straight into the White House. Yeah, that’ll happen. Keep trying, Newtie! On the subject of running for Presidency, he says, “That’s up to God and the American people.” Oh, it’s up to God? Here I was, thinking it was a democracy, when really it’s a God-ocracy. Mandate of Heaven, are we? Appointed by God?
^^Thanks for the illuminating message, um….Voldemort.
*Sighs*. My advice? Build thirty mosques in a ring around Ground Zero, just to spite the loonies. And don’t drink sweet tea while reading Newt Gingrich quotes.
August 19, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 2 Comments
But I had to put it up anyway. Share some of my personal favorite *FUNNIEST* videos on YouTube. And I mean, hilarious.
Twilight: Read it, liked it 3 years ago, hate it now. There are some holy-crap-I-think-I-just-wet-my-pants-even-though-I-haven’t-had-water-for-three-days funny parodies of Twilight, and some dull, hum-drum, I-think-I-just-fell-asleep-even-though-it’s-ten o’clock-in-the-morning ones. And yes, I’m in a hypenation mood today… I like hyphenating words that look lonely. Lonely looks kind of… well, lonely. Maybe I should have typed look-lonely. Cute.
Moving on- my favorite parodies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRjwmct5-x8 (very short, but very entertaining)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2OtZbSc-HI&feature=related (Disclaimer: if you do actually wet your pants on this one, don’t, like, sue me. Because you will. Wet your pants.)
Next we have Harry Potter. These aren’t parodies because Harry Potter rules the universe and I’m considering abandoning Christianity for Potterism. So these are just fun, entertaining videos.
Fleurilicious- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwzJvK8VQpI. This is absurdly well-done.
I’ll Make a Man Out of You: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3q_LcPkJVD0. Haha. Laughs.
Random video: this one’s about Naruto. I don’t watch Naruto, I’m not really into anime (in some ways I feel like a 5-year-old, watching cartoons all over again…) but it’s a really giggle-worthy video. And you don’t need to actually know anything about the show to understand it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2TC-t4geq8.
Have fun cruising YouTube. If you’ve got any funny videos, send ‘em over.
Lots of love… and pants-wetting…
-Me
August 18, 2010 - Posted by Lady Lioness - 2 Comments
I really hate bathtubs.
I don’t mean that they personally offend me. A bathtub? Personally offending me? That’s crazy, right? Yeah. Crazy.
Okay, okay, so they *do* personally offend me. Why? Because, first of all, I find something utterly repulsive in sitting in a puddle of your own filth. Showers wash that filth away so tidily. But that’s just me.
No, the real problem I have with bathtubs is this: I am of the opinion that after a certain age, baths should be removed from the “to-do” list and stuck firmly on the “to-don’t”. There are, however, certain exceptions. Little kids in bubble baths? Cute picture. Romantic lovers? A little creepy, and makes me want to clean my brain out, but okay. Old people? Ew, *definitely* don’t want that picture in my head (wrinkles galore!), but another stamp of approval- though a nauseous one.
But for college-age kids or middle-aged adults? No. Just… no. Once you are legally able to vote, fight in wars, and have sex with people 18+, you shouldn’t be indulging in bubble-blown fun. Unless that’s a euphemism for something sexual. In that case, indulge away.
Time to put away the rubber duckies, folks.
